Problems with host Families

[elizabethk]

oookkk.. so i was just gunna put host siblings, but i decided to make it host families so it woud be broader.. but yeah.
is anyone having problems with ther host siblings?
like, i get a long with the two oldest ones (13 and 15) and we dont hate eachother, but i mean; we dont really have a good relationship. when we go somewhere, theyll just go off with thier friends, and they never introduce me to people.
and when im at home- i spend a lot of time in my room, and my host family finds that odd. but i dont understand what they want me to do outside of my room, i mean i cant play with the younger ones all day and the older ones dont wanna do anything with me. it just really frustrates me!!

[nikki]

I am in the same situation with the family. They are always wondering why I just stay in my room... They told me that I should spend more time with them around the house, like watching television, and I hate television! All the siblings do is sit in front of the tv... watching stupid american tv shows only dubbed in german, and it is so stupid! My host brother who is the same age as me has bonded with me somewhat, but my sister barely speaks to me (she is 14). I don't know if she's afraid to? or if we just don't really get along or never will get along? I find that my host siblings are total brats though! The parents do so much and I have never heard a thanks from them or anything. Like, we just went on a vacation for a week - and I haven't been on a vacation with my real family in probably 3 years, and here they take vacations about 2-3 times a year. I guess there are just different customs here and I am living in this rich suburban lifestyle which is very different from where I came from.
Well, I just had a total breakdown in front of my family though.. not so good. They were real nice about it though but I felt like an asshole because I was on this level of crying where I was real worked up and didn't know how to stop. I hate that. When you want to stop crying and you can't. I guess there is just a whole lot of stress with having to learn this language and tomorrow I am beginning school and I am frightened of speaking German- of the limited amount of German that I know... and I am afraid of being myself like I was so much back in America...
Well, my host father tried to explain that there is this block that I need to get passed because my host family can tell that I am not potentially being the person than I am back at home.. I am not quite my happy outgoing self that I wish I could be around them, I guess I'm just a little unconforatable.
So, is anyone else experiencing that it is hard to be themselves? (and don't just say "oh be yourself!" NO, it's easier said than done...... for me at least. So are there any ways to become more comforatable with your family?..
And bonding with sisters.... how did it go? I'v never had a sister before so maybe that's why it's a bit harder...
Also... this is important... has anyone had breakdowns and cryed in front of their host family, because this has happened several times and each time I feel like such a jerk for doing it but it is so hard not to..... I really can't help it. I am just wondering if I am the only one who is going through this and all with breaking down in front of host family type of deal?

Switzerland 05-06

[elizabethk]

yes!! i find it really hard to be myself.. i cant express myslelf in french like i could in english.. and im normally on the quiet side- and here its even worse.
ive never had sisters either- i just have one older brother at home, and girls can be so whiny!!
i almost started crying at dinner one night, but i kept it in.

[holly]

Oh god I know what you mean with sisters. I have two sisters, no brothers. It's hell, I feel bad for my dad.

[small issues]

I completely understand about not being yourself. I guess time will only bring out our real personalities.

Never ever feel like a jerk or stupid for crying infront of your host family. You can't help it. I have, and I felt so bad and I hated that I was feeilng homesick and I cried, but it can't be helped. If your family makes you feel bad for crying or being sad, maybe they aren't the great family.

And staying in my room. I do that a lot. I have started taking walks through the town I live in and the the country outside of it. Their really nice, and it eats up time.

Okay, I have a problem also. Communicating. My host parents have a problem communicating with me. Example one. The other day was university day at my school. It is where you go to the university and take classes instead of actually go to school. I had signed up to do it and knew when and where to take the train and all that jazz. And I had explained the day to my host parents. As I was walking out the door, my host father asked where I was going. I explained again. He told me that I was suppose to stay home and go to my German speaking lesson instead. He said it was better that I stay home because I woulnd't understand anything. Anyone else find it weird that my host family planned this day, but didn't tell me?

Also, I find my host father very confusing. He tell me that we have some sort of family outing planned an hour before it happens. Then he will say something else. Then he will say another thing in English. And then we will do a completely different thing.

One last thing. How often do you think it is normal to babysit. I have no host siblings except for a baby brother who is 21 months. I was just wondering what people thought.

Thank you!

[shindigg]

Lately I can't handle my host mother. I think she's slightly crazy in the head. I don't know what she expects out of me but today she did something totally weird and I don't know how to take it. I have been very happy the last week or so and my scale of homesickness was at an all time low. I was in my room this morning just checking my email and she comes in and tells me that I am sad. She staight up tells me what my emotions are?! She tells me I'm doing this and that wrong (half of which I didn't understand). She says that I'm always alone and always just in my room (which isn't true all of the time, and half the time they are fighting and unpleasant to be around, such as right now as I write this, my host brother fights with my host mother in Swiss-German. Who wants to be around that?). She told me I give her anxiety. It really hurt quite a bit. By this time I was breaking down crying and she says, you are crying, you are sad. I tried to hard to say back in German, No, I am not sad, when you say I am sad, then I am sad. Of course this is very hard to do, to stand up for myself in German. She said that I'm always alone, "immer allein", I oficially hate those two words because of her, and she says that I don't learn the langauge because of this. Okay, I spend an entire day of school around people, speaking and listening to the languge. When I come home, I'm exausted, and sometimes I feel better just being by myself. I still do quite a bit with the family and for her to say such things really blows it out of proportion. She says that she wants me to cook (which I do sometimes already), and watch tv... sorry, but I hate watching tv, especially when it's just stupid American tv shows dubbed in German. I don't know if she was just looking for a fight or if she just expected something else out of me as an exchange student because every other exchange student I talk to says that they do the same thing. She said that it is so difficult for her. I tell her.. Umm, it is difficult for me also?! Quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever put myself through. I just don't think she understands me or the situation I am in. She even said that she contacted AFS about me, saying such things to AFS. This is the most offending thing to hear, to know that you are a "problem". It's so weird because I was feeling so content, so happy, up until this morning. When she says such things, it makes me more homesick than ever and feeling like all I want to do is be alone. I really want to be home right now. I don't like people who bring me down like this. And my host mother and brother are STILL fighting as I write this. I wanted so badly to say, "you are always fighting, why do you think I spend time in my room?!?!" I just don't understand, I am all mixed up and confused right now.

I hope this is just a passing phase with the host mother but never before have I been so hurt. I mean, perhaps I just took things too offensively but when someone is raising their voice to you in German, it sounds so hurtful, and of the things that I did understand, they were hurtful. I don't like when someone preaches to you what your emotions are when they are really quite the opposite. I just don't think it was at all neccesarry. Also what I hate is that she was talking about me to my host brother in Swiss-German after this happened and I have no idea what they were saying, but I heard my name being said. I just don't know what to think of this all. I just want to say, "if I am causing you this much anxiety and if things are that challenging, why don't I just switch families?" Oh course, I could never say such a thing, but it's in the back of my mind

I'v been pretty upset all day and perhaps if you guys, as fellow exchange students, could give me some advice, I'd really apprieciate it. Thanks!

[rachaelh]

My host mom also tells me how I'm feeling sometimes, or if I'm trying to explain how I feel about something and can't do it, she'll say "oh, I know what you mean" but her assumptions will be entirely different. She's also somewhat of a gossip, so I feel that every thing that I do (including break downs, which has happened a couple of times in front of my family so far) will leak out to all of the other AFS families or in the school.

Not that in the school really matters. I already broke down in the middle of German class once, so all the students in my class already know somewhat (I got a bloody nose then, too, which was actually kind of funny). Crying at school is so much worse than crying in the host family, but maybe it depends on how close you are with them, too.

My host parents smoke. It bugs me. But I try to keep away from them when they do, so I'll get over it.

[beckyjensen]

Oh you guys...BIG BIG HUGS!! I know it's so hard and host family problems are the WORST. Absolute worst...and NOBODY understands them (except other exchange students...lol, which doesn't really do anybody all too much good)...big hugs.

OK: My host sister-COMPLETE biatch. No really. I try really really really hard when people don't like me to get along with them and just live with them. She is 24 years old, married and getting a degree-she was SO jealous of me, it was unbelieveable, everyone noticed it, and she didn't even CARE! It was horrible. I ended up just avoiding her and it was pretty easy since she lived downstairs in her own "big girl" apartment *rolls eyes*. ANYWAY. I tried SO hard with her. I tried being nice, friendly, everything. I put so much effort forth I exhausted it. So I stopped. But that was around January, just after my BDAY actually. (I'm a persistant person...lol).

My host mom and dad were SO tolerant of me, they really spoiled me and I was pretty much allowed to do whatever I wanted. (when I was 16...lol...before def. not). So in that aspect I had it easy, but I did have to help out a lot and take care a lot of the stuff around the house with cleaning and whatnot. So I was really a part of their family...and very loved and whatnot, minus the sister aspect. Host sibs are the WORST...they just create so many problems. I'd much rather be in a family without children (which is pretty much what I had...which I obviously found to be a very ideal situation once I started ignoring and avoiding my host sister...) than one with children. Unless it was just a baby, that I wouldn't mind. As for what you can do...just try and be around more, (as much as you can stand it...I know...it's definately difficult), and for you who said you're expected to cook and they want you to be right there right after school and stuff: I had the SAME exact problem-I was expected to help cook dinner (which I HONESTLY did NOT mind...) but I was so sick of people and exhausted right after school that normally I just collapsed. Well: that created an obvious confrontation. I sat down with my host mom (it was just the two of us after we got done with school...) and said-after school I'm just exhausted, I really need a little break. I'm happy to help with dinner, I love it, but I just need a break in between doing things, it's too much for me. And she understood. Once I made my point and made an effort to talk about it, we understood each other really well. (I'm pretty sure you're in the German part of Switzerland-so I can tell you what that is in German if you want...) (it's: nach der Schule bin ich einfach erschoepft, ich werde gern mit das Abendessen helfen, nur brauch ich eine Pause zwischen die Schule und diese Zeit, es ist mir einfach zu viel...)

As for people in Europe assuming they know what you are feeling automatically, it's just a cultural thing. I know it feels SOOOOO invasive at first, but eventually you just get used to it. Mama was actually usually really right about what I was feeling, I just wouldn't admit it at first because it made me mad...lol...but yeah.

And breakdowns...I had them in school over stupid things more often than not. Which is pretty embarrassing...but I got over it...lol. In front of hostfamilies it's not very comfortable either though.

The person who's host mom and brother yell and fight all the time: I'd tell her how you feel about that. Say: I need to be honest with you: I know fighting in families is normal, but I'm not comfortable being around when you and "so and so" are fighting..." that's what I'd do anyways. My host sister was/is a bitch to her poor husband, who is an amazing, funny, great to be around guy (he was TOTALLY like a brother to me the whole year round, we got along amazing and there was a mutually shared brotherly/sisterly love, nothing more (unlike my sis had notions of...she's an odd one...*sigh...*)), and she yelled at him constantly and he'd try and reason with her...lol, needless to say THAT didn't work very often...but I just started to leave or avoid even more...lol. But she didn't care because she didn't want me around anyways...

As for TV: my host mom LOVED to watch TV and she had her soap every evening...and then we'd watch who wants to be a millionare (millionen show) and that was fun! I learned a lot of German and fun history and stories and stuff from that. Take up ONE TV show with your families...even if you don't really like TV (I'm the same way...) make an effort to just watch ONE, they'll feel like you're trying and then you'll have a common thing to talk about, AND you'll get a chance to get some German picked up-and ASK what stuff means, another good bonding thing.

Babysitting: how often ARE you asked to babysit? A half an hour after school everyday-or when your host mom does the shopping-things like that are normal-things you would do in a normal family. If your parents are going to a party or something like that as well. Weekends-maaaaaaaybe....depends how old you are and if you're allowed to go out, but I'd think they'd be pretty understanding of that if they're young enough to have just had a baby...lol but maybe that's a misguided conception...lol

Spreading rumors: my host sister was the QUEEN of this. She made really rude comments about me, to me...whatever. The whole town knew when I'd blown up or had a rough day or had a bad test or had a breakdown...etc...and they got so sick of her "tattling" on me, that they just started ignoring her. Nobody in town likes her and they loved me...I was adopted into that town and have tons of friends there, her age included. So she was jealous again. man...if I had even taken all this into account when I was there (it was only when I was away from it and stepped back from it all that I realized, and right before I left people were going, wow, you're amazing-you stuck it out...lol...sad in a way...). But yeah... I guess there is no real way to solve that except maybe saying: You know, I really would appreciate it if you have a problem, that you'd talk to me before you talk to anyone in town (relatives, AFS, etc...) because this is between us, not anyone else. My host mom often told people about what I would do as well, it really pissed me off at first but then people would be like...wow, that's dumb, I can't believe she's telling us that-don't worry, we won't tell everyone else. *sigh* host families are so difficult you guys. It's way easier said than done to say those things too; I know...

Alright guys, if I didn't answer anything, just bring it to my attention, or if you've got other questions for me...just holler I wish you all the best, it's so hard, but you are amazing people, and totally capable of handling the situation!

[afsmomintx]

Shindigg, I hope you are feeling better today. Just remember this is one of those ups and downs they told you about, and things will get better. It's very normal that you are on edge emotionally, because this is a very difficult experience.

I know it's hard to do, but try to think of things from another point of view, then you can assess whether that could be your host mom's point of view. For instance, when she tells you that you are sad and doing things wrong and always alone, she could be saying that she has noticed that this experience is hard for you and she wants to express sympathy, and she has some suggestions about what might help, such as spending more time with the family, even doing stupid things you don't like such as watching TV so you will learn German more quickly because being fluent will help with your adjustment.
Please don't think that because she has contacted AFS it means you are a "problem" and don't be offended - just like your liaison is there for you, the liaison is there for your host family too. At least she feels she can be open with you and tell you about it.

The fighting might be just a cultural difference - it might not be unpleasant to them. You could ask your liaison what s/he thinks, to get another perspective. Especially if you are not yet fluent in the language, it's possible that you are putting more emphasis on tone instead of meaning, but tone has to be interpreted in a cultural context.

The more you talk to your host mom, the better she will be able to read you and not think you are sad when you are not. And if you need another (local) opinion, talk to your liaison.

Okay, I hope you're not offended, I was not trying to say I know what the situation is, but only to give you some other things to think about!

[beckyjensen]

I still think you should ask them to talk to you before they go off calling AFS though. I know how offensive that would be (my family never did...to my knowledge...lol...everytime AFS called to check up on me my host mom would gush about me and I about them...lol and I was afraid of my liason, and she wanted to make up problems for me it seemed...she actually died and AFS didn't even know she had cancer...how odd is that...lol, I mean-it's not funny-it's really sad, but how lame! IIIIII had to call AFS and say-Ummm, I'm not sure if you know this or not, but my liason is dead-she had cancer." they were like: omg. we didn't know! I was like: uh, duh. it was NOT obvious. Anyhoo...). But I would definately talk to them-especially if they're going to bring it up in conversations in that form. It's like someone going behind your back and tattling on you, and that's rude and unfair. SO...I would definately make sure you say something about that...but jmo...